Responsibility !!

There was lots of paperwork to complete now Dad had passed away , as I said earlier his affairs were all in order which was a massive help. When Mum was initially diagnosed with her dementia they both made wills and organised their affairs which was a blessing. I knew all their wishes and I could just follow their instructions. Now if anyone passes away with more the £5000 in assets then probate must be completed. This involved huge reams of forms and paperwork which I handed over to Dad's solicitor to complete, I wasn't in the right frame of mind to be completing such complex documents and I really felt I didn't have the skills to do it. Dad had passed away in April and even though his affairs were all in order probate didn't come through until the end of August. Then began the complex process of closing down accounts and insurances, sounds like it should be a simple process , we had probate and Dads will but this was quite difficult in some cases. I tended to just let the solicitor deal with this , I tried not to give it any thought and just let the process slowly move along. Spending time with my mum and family was my priory.  In the big scheme of things the costs involved in the solicitor sorting things out were significant and not something that everyone has the ability to afford but I honestly felt it was a process that was beyond me. We also had Mum and Dad's house to sort out , Dad had left his half of the house to me so now Mum and I owed the house together , again this involved some paperwork as the house wasn't registered with the land registry. Emptying the house was awful I found so many items that held so many memories for me , it seemed such a clinical final process but again it had to be done things couldn't stand still. I still call it Dad's house and probably always will !
Mum seemed to be doing fine , and didn't appear to be missing  Dad , or maybe she was, we would never be able to tell. They had been married 54 years and hardly ever been apart so his absence must have had some effect on her in some way. She was more often than not sat in the day room now with the other residents so I felt secure that she was getting some good social contact. Often when I visited bingo and other games were taking place- Mum couldn't participate but she was always in the room and watching events around her. I took her magazines every time I visited and she would spend hours flicking through them, often stopping to gaze at pictures of babies or animals. Mum had now stopped communicating , she would on occasions say the odd word - yes / no but not in any context and this was hard , visiting was generally me talking to her and never eliciting any response. On one occasion though as we were flicking through magazines I asked her if Frank Sinatra was dead - immediately she said " yes " with such conviction that I felt sure she had understood the question, as anyone involved with dementia knows - there are constant surprises and this was one for me. I was happy that Mum was spending time out of her room with the other residents as I couldn't visit every day but didn't want her to be lonely, she was always a quiet observer in the day room unless someone annoyed her ! she had always been a quiet lady , not confrontational but on occasions if a resident in the day room was shouting she would get annoyed and her facial expressions would give it away. It is strange to say but I was nice to see sometimes because it proved she was aware of what was happening around her , she wasn't locked away and remote from her surroundings. Although it's so hard seeing my mums decline I treasure every visit as I know time is limited and we have to enjoy the time we have together. Dementia is such a cruel disease but I won't let it rob me of time with my Mum , visiting is hard, no conversation , no chit chat ,no emotions but its time spent together and that is what is important.
Dementia makes you face hard decisions and make choices that you really never want to,  I can look at things in an objective way and make decisions based on evidence rather than emotion- some may see this as me being hard and lacking emotion but its not the emotion is raw i can assure you but i have to not let it cloud my judgement. It is often easy to just follow your emotions in these situations but often this isn't the best option and the harder decision is. Does that make sense ? For example signing the Do Not Resuscitate document , that is something many relatives won't do but I had no hesitation it was the right option it allows Mum some dignity and in the worst case scenario would reduce her suffering. Decisions like this aren't easy to make and I would never judge anyone who can't make them.