As spring turned to summer our thoughts turned to the school holidays and our planned summer holiday. This is something that for the last few years has involved lots of planning to ensure Mum's care while we were away, organising suitable respite care had often proved difficult. Despite our plans last year for a fully relaxed break Dad's illness had led to an unplanned stay in hospital and had caused things to not go as planned. This year we had booked a  break in Tenerife and although we needed this as a family I was obviously very worried about leaving Mum. Being mum's only visitor means I feel immense guilt when I can't visit because I know no one is visiting. I know Mum has lots of interaction with the care home staff but its in inherent worry about her being lonely often its irrational I know but I always think about how lonely I would feel in her position.The worry is always there while we are on holiday - will Mum be OK ?, will she be missing us ? will she feel lonely? will she think I am not going to visit again ? will she be taken ill ? etc etc. The list is endless and so is the worry. While I am away I keep my phone on all the time just in case and as my holiday gets nearer the worry level increase exponentially. Despite the worry we had a lovely break and although as usual we wanted to stay away forever I was happy to come home and visit Mum. Another worry is will she respond to me after I have been absent for a while ?- although she never  speaks to me or uses my name I know she is aware that I am a familiar face and I belong with her, I have no way of knowing if she knows who I am but she certainly responds to my presence and that is so much more than some people get from their loved ones as this horrible illness takes hold. The one thing I cherish is when I say "Mum " she always responds by looking at me or waking up so maybe she does know who I am ?? I am happy to let myself believe she does.
Things were as if I hadn't been away when I visited her - she showed no confusion about my presence and seemed just the same as before I went away. When I come back from holiday I always visit several days consecutively in the hope it puts me back in her mind and doesn't let me slip away from her.
Things had started to happen now regarding Dad's estate and his absence from my life was so hard to bear at times, every week I seemed to be dealing with some form or other about his death and it was all so raw. Rebecca was about to take her Black belt in Taekwondo and we were so proud of her , but the person who would have been the proudest was missing and on the day of her graduation Rebecca and I felt his loss - he would have been so proud to have seen her achieve her black belt, one of our favourite pictures is of him with Rebecca after one of her Taekwondo graduations. He loved seeing her achieve things in her life , it always amazed me how forward thinking Dad was for his generation. He instilled in me an attitude to achieve my goals and always to believe in my abilities. He helped me to stand on my own two feet and then my tip toes to reach my goals.  Mum was the same dreams and ambitions were always encouraged and they would have both been the same with Rebecca.  Athough they spent

so much time together when she was younger Rebecca  bearly remembers spending time with my Mum before her dementia took hold - but mum invested so much of her love and encouragement in Rebecca's early years, painting together, baking together , talking together, learning together , and laughing together. I lost my grandparents before I was 12 years old and I know how little I remember of them so I know Rebecca's memories of my Mum and Dad will fade. The one thing I remember though is how much they loved me and that I enjoyed spending time with them, I hope this is something Rebecca feels for my Mum - as I know visiting her now is hard for Rebecca. I know, she knows, how much her Grandad loved her as he could tell her but my mum is denied this due to being locked away in this cruel illness. I tell my Mum everything about Rebecca , what she's up to at school , where she has been , what we do on a weekend and I would love to think that my Mum understands - no one really knows the answer but I can't and won't shut her out of our everyday life she is a big part of it and I will always involve her in it.