Mum seemed relatively stable with her dementia and was spending time in the lounge with the other residents on most days. She was now being hoisted as she was unable to transfer safely. This was something I often observed to see how mum interacted with her carers. She wasn't wary of them at all and trusted them implicitly. This was comforting for me as I knew if she was worried or unhappy with the way they cared for her I would be able to see this in her reactions to them. Anyone with a loved one in care has all these worries constantly, we all know that not everyone who holds a position of responsibility acts as we would like and we all read and see the media reporting on the horrible things humans can do to other humans. Its a constant worry that I have about mum , and her her care , not for any reason or in response to anything I have seen happen, it's because Mum has no way of telling me if anything isn't right with her care. She can't communicate any concerns or share any fears with me and this means I am flying solo on making choices about her needs and requirements, this is huge responsibility and I second guess myself on all aspects of the decisions I make for her. I have to represent her and I have to ensure her voice is heard. There is only me to make the decisions and this makes it all so challenging. Making the wrong decision will have significant consequences for mum and this preys heavy on my mind. I use my visits to mum to just sit with her , feed her , spoil her with chocolates and sweets but also to observe her care and her interactions with the staff. This is my only indicator to her feelings and while I know its in no way reliable its all I have. I talk to mum constantly when I visit , its hard as there is rarely a response from her, I tell her about things that are on the Tv , things that happen at home , things that Rebecca does , mundane things that make our relationship seem normal. Having our roles reversed is strange and it has altered our relationship over the years. I have become the one who shudders all the responsibility for mum as opposed to her caring for me , this was so difficult in the early stage of Mums decline , showering her , helping her to dress, brushing her teeth, it was so difficult not to feel frustrated at the situation we were in. It hard to deal with the shifting balance of care and not feel some resentment that its something you cannot control. Without doubt I have felt frustration and resentment at the way mums illness has robbed me of her, robbed her of time with Rebecca and her family and denied her the chance to show my Dad what he meant to her before he passed away. I never mention Dad to her at all , as I would hate this to stir up memories and her to start getting concerned about why he isn't in her life any more.
One big thing was coming closer and this was a challenge I had been determined to achieve. Before Dad passed away I told him I was going to run a marathon. He was shocked and told me that I should forget it - it was too much and too much pressure to put on myself. I had been a runner for a few years , certainly not fast but determined, I had never run more than 13 miles before so this was a whole new challenge . Despite training and preparing I was very worried that I had taken on too much and that realistically I couldn't do it. I had been kindly sponsored in my endeavour by so many people my sponsorship total was £1500 so this was in essence an added pressure , the money I was raising was for Sue Ryder the charity who run the hospice where Dad was cared for .It was a small token of how much I appreciated their support when my Dad was in their care. The training had been an added stress , and I had certainly underestimated that time it would take up but I couldn't change my mind now , I had set myself the challenge and I was not going to fail ( I hoped ). Fitting in the training runs became harder and harder as the distances increased but this had to be done so much was riding on me completing it. Neil was running with me and it was a huge challenge for him too.
Running is my way of relaxing - switching off from whats happening around me , but with such a challenge it was hard to be able to switch off , we both felt the pressure of the race as it was nearing and I was so worried Iwould let everyone down.
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