Goodbye.

I arrived at the care home with Neil and went to sit with my Mum , I was trying my hardest to hold it all together so she wouldn't get upset , she was quite relaxed when we arrived and very smiley , this was infectious and despite my heartache it was good to see her smile. Neil and I said nothing about what was happing in the room next door we had decided not to discuss it with mum that evening - we were unsure how it would affect her , if at all, and wanted to get advice on it first. Dad had been quite clear that she wasn't to be upset by his illness and I had to respect that. The nurse came to collect me and took my directly into Dad's room - before I knew it I was there in the room with him, this was something I hadn't even thought about and if I had I maybe would not have wanted to go in, as it was I didn't get the choice . Looking back if I hadn't gone to see Dad then I may well have regretted it so although at the time it seemed forced and difficult it was actually the right thing. I didn't want to touch Dad in case he was cold - I could not have had that as my lasting memory but Neil touched him and said he was warm so I held his hand. we were both so upset, we had known this was coming but that doesn't prepare you for the way the grief and loss overwhelms you. .It still does to this day, without doubt life goes on and you learn to live with it but it never leaves you, it's like a shadow always there.  Before leaving I composed myself and sat with Mum for a short while - she nodded off to sleep and I went home with Neil.
Anyone who knows me knows I am organised( bit of an understatement ! ) for the main part and this now kicked in , Dad had made all his wishes known to me in advance and I knew which undertaker I had to call and what his wishes were. I rang and got things in motion. I had no experience of the processes and procedures but the undertakers were amazing talking me through everything that needed to be done. By the end of the next day I was on top of things and things were all organised. I discussed Mum with the Gp when I saw him to collect Dad's death certificate, he felt as did I that there was no value in telling Mum about Dad's passing as it may not register with her and if it did it could have a negative affect on her. I still don't know if this is the right thing, but is there any right way to deal with a situation ? I would expect she misses his presence but again there is no way to know this at all. Is this something anyone has any knowledge on ? I just had to go on instinct.
Rebecca was still on holiday from school so we spent a few days together just doing normal things shopping, eating out etc, things that had often fallen by the way side in the muddle  of the last year, I loved Rebecca's company and we enjoyed our time together. It was just a simple pleasure that we hadn't had the chance to enjoy for far too long.
I decided that I should speak at Dad's funeral - he had meant so much to me and I wanted to do this last thing for him. Inevitably I broke down at the end of my eulogy however strong I wanted to be emotion was certainly stronger. His funeral was a day of sadness without doubt, we had made the decision that it wasn't in Mum's best interests to attend. She hadn't really ever left the care home and previously she had attended her parents funerals at the same location where we had arranged Dad's funeral , could this evoke memories for her and upset her - we couldn't take that chance. Decisions like this are the ones I find so difficult - its like I am taking over and deciding things for Mum- something that doesn't sit well with me, however I have to just do it and always think of what is best for her rather than what is easiest for me ! I 't wasn't goodbye for me as I knew I would never say goodbye to him, friends and family joined us after the service at our house and we celebrated his life , the sun shone and we enjoyed some quality time together sitting in the sun our thoughts very much with my Dad.
The next day seemed empty , Rebecca was back at school , Neil was at work and the loneliness kicked in - I had kept busy since Dad's death but that was all taken care of now and I finally felt empty.
Mum was now my responsibility and I had to ensure I maintained what quality of life and care I could for her. I needed to be sure my Dad would be happy with what I was doing for her, it had been unsaid between Dad and I but I know he knew I would't let my mum down. Time to become the responsible adult !!!