Reality !!

The hospice arranged for Dad to return to his care home where Mum was living , his loss of movement in his leg was a worry for us all and it marked a serious progression of his cancer. The care home manager had changed his room and when he returned he was in the room next door to my mum. This meant they could still see each other and spend time together. Dad was practically bed bound now so it was mum who visited him. The staff were accommodating bringing her through to see him in the wheelchair ,and they understood the importance of her visits for my Dad. Mum never reacted to Dad and his gaunt appearance , she often smiled at him so certainly still recognised him. Looking back to this time I feel sure she recognised me and my Daughter too, maybe not for who we were but that we were familiar faces who belonged to her. I think she always thought my Daughter, Rebecca, was me as a child and I was just someone who always visited. This wasn't a concern for me it wasn't anything personal it was just the way the disease was manifesting. My mum is and always will be my mum her perception of who I am during this time is irrelevant.
Dad was very frail now fading before our eyes. Easter was approaching and I had some time off work, I visited them both every day making the most of the time I had with Dad, soon after Dad's return to the care home his Gp phoned to warn me he felt that Dad had only days left , he was surprised the hospice had sent him back to the care home , but he was now too unwell to return to the hospice. Even though I knew where things were heading this was still a huge shock. However much we take in somethings don't want to stay with us and we only see what we want to see. Easter passed with visits from family and friends which Dad loved, he was animated when he had visitors and enjoyed the company. Dependent on his medication he could be very confused and lethargic, but again things need to go in context and this wasn't my Dad it was his illness and his medication.
On the 14th of April just as I had returned to work I got a voice mail - quite how I don't know ,as the place  I was working had no mobile signal , but as they say everything happens for a reason, it had been left an hour before but had only just highlighted on my phone. It was the care home summoning me , Dad was fading and they felt I needed to come over ASAP, I was in shock hoping I wasn't too late already. I left work, leaving my colleague to deal with the clients who were now not getting their scans. She dealt with all the problems this caused - and although she said it was fine I know she will have had a difficult afternoon telling people they couldn't have their scans. She knows who she is and what her support means to me.
As I arrived at the care home the Gp was waiting to come out - my heart fell !was I too late ? he took me aside  Dad was still with us but he expected him to pass away in the next few hours. Dad's friend Jim had visited that morning and this will have meant the world to Dad , some weeks before Dad had told Jim how much his friendship had meant to him and this was the only time he had mentioned his mortality. I sat with Dad all afternoon , he was semi conscious so I will never know if he knew I was there but I held his hand and told him what he meant to me and my family, I hope he heard but I will never know. I kept popping through to see mum not giving anything away as I knew Dad would not want Mum upsetting , how would she react to his death , should I tell her ? all these are questions that there is no answer to.
Around 6 pm I went home to get things sorted for Rebecca , to give her some tea and get her things organised for the next day. Before I left I told Dad I loved him and would be back soon. while I was at home the call came Dad had just passed away. The tears came immediately and I thought they may never stop. Telling Rebecca was so hard , she hadn't seen my Dad for the last week as I didn't want her to remember him looking so ill , I wanted her memories of her Grandad to be happy ones not dominated by his final appearance. She was heartbroken , she like us knew that he was dying but emotion is a powerful thing and it surprises us all in its ability to overpower us.
Again I had the support of special people ,Rebecca headed off to spend the night with her best friend , she needed the support of people she felt comfortable with while Neil and I went to the care home to make the arrangements regarding my Dad and to sit with my mum. This wasn't the place for a small child, it wasn't the place I wanted to be either but life doesn't stand still to accommodate grief and shock the world is constantly turning and as they say life moves on, however much we may not want it to.