What a difference a year makes

Dad was quite settled in the hospice and they were working really hard with his pain meds to try and control his pain. It was a very fine line as too little medication resulted  in no effect and a slight increase resulted in a toxic state which manifested itself in confusion, frustration and anger on occasions. The Sue Ryder staff at the hospice were amazing they gave Dad such good care he was so well looked after. On days when he was well enough I took him to visit Mum. He enjoyed his visits but Mum didn't give much away as to how she felt. Around this time the staff at Mum's care home had started to hoist Mum and get her in the day room and into the communal lunch room. She seemed to be finding this pleasurable and spent time watching Tv , flicking through her magazines and people watching which after months in bed was a new novelty for her. She had a tendency to get annoyed if other residents were shouting or being disruptive but apart from this she was socialising well for someone who was not able to verbalise her needs or feelings. It was lovely to spend time with her when they were playing bingo. She couldn't join in but enjoyed the chatter around her and the distraction that occurring around her. The staff had noticed that mum was eating better while in a group environment and this was very encouraging. Mum could at this point still feed herself - table manners were of no importance and the staff were always on hand to help out if needed but while mum was managing they would allow her as much time as she needed to maintain her independence. I avoided visiting at meal times as I didn't want to be a distraction for mum and I wanted her to maintain her independence in feeding for a long as she possibly could. 
I missed my Mum so much. Although she was there she was no longer able to communicate and I missed her conversation so much. Just being able to tell her things and get a response would have meant the world to me. I was now making all the decisions for Mum and I would have loved her to be able to tell me if I was doing the right thing. I just wanted a minute of Mum back. Birthdays and Christmas are sad for me I miss Mum's cards and best wishes. 
There was no real improvement in Dads pain regime despite the best efforts of all the team involved in his care, there was lots of discussions about some experimental treatments for the pain and if these were going to be of value. Dad was settled in the hospice and was appreciating all they were doing for him. He could be very up and down in his moods and could on occasions be quite short with me if he was struggling with pain control. I knew not to take this personally but often it was hard not to. 
The pressure was on for me, I had become the responsible adult caring for both of my parents and it was a role I was finding hard to adapt to as well as being a wife , mum and working. Dad seemed easily confused with discussions about his care so I was constantly having to question the nurses about what was happening just to keep a handle on things. I had to know what was going on as a could not afford to allow my Dad's care to suffer , This was a throw back to the issues I had to deal with when Mum had been in hospital. Although the situation and care was on a different level that was always at the back of my mind and I could not sit back and let things go. 
We were now heading towards Christmas and I was aware it may be the last Christmas I would have with my Dad and I didn't want it to come round. I have always hated Christmas and I was dreading it more than usual. I always go all out to make Christmas special for Rebecca but I was struggling to put on a brave face with Mum in care and Dad in the hospice. I couldn't really believe how things had changed for us as a family in such a short space of time. Christmas is all about family I felt horribly alone.