Christmas is coming........

Dad had now been in the hospice for about 8 weeks , its was becoming apparent that his pain wasn't really manageable and to be honest the hospice were not really able to offer Dad anything else. They really had exhausted every available medication.The hospice discussed Dad returning home in mid december with weekly visits to their day hospital which was something Dad seemed very keen on - me not so much! I knew that Dad wouldn't cope at home, I had seen his deteriation both mentally and physically  , a day can be a long time when you are in the type of pain he was in. I made a decision then based on my experiences with my Mum before she entered care , I asked for social services help , I said that I had serious concerns for Dad's welfare when he returned home and I said that without some care input I didn't feel he would be safe , and I wasn't prepared for his to be in a situation that may lead to him having an accident or suffering. In the years before Mum went into care she had several accidents , she broke her wrist , she suffered a full thickness scalp laceration requiring 30 stitches and then had a major aspiration event requiring surgery and and ICU stay. I had seen enough accidents and I would not allow my Dad to be in a vulnerable position. Many people find making that decision difficult but I had to put his safety above everything else I was feeling. I was responsible for his care and despite his feelings about his abilities I stood firm and insisted that without care in place he wasn't leaving the hospice. This is something that people don't realise, if you think a loved one is being discharged from hospital and you don't feel it is in their best interests or you feel they require some care at home you must raise this issue in quite categorical terms. You need to be able to give solid reasons for this but if you think the reasons are there you must act in their best interests to ensure their safety.
The hospice contacted social services and a meeting was arranged for December the 23rd. This seemed fine to me because I felt sure a care package couldn't be put in place before the Christmas break and I was happy it bought us enough time to get the correct care in place. Dad came to the meeting and I put across my reasons for his care requirements and to my surprise Dad was on board with this he accepted that he may need help and having it in place was a benefit for him. The social worker went away keen to facilitate Dad's requirements and I felt slightly reassured that when he came home he wouldn't be too vulnerable and people would be around to assess his needs each day.
I had discussed Christmas with my Dad and he was going to come and stay with us until Boxing day, we would try and get him to visit Mum and we would try and make the best of what I knew would be our last Christmas together. I am filling up as I write this because I knew I didn't want to let Dad go and I knew that it was getting closer and closer and I just really wanted to turn back the clock.
Christmas was not the fun time of year that we all imagine as Dad was really struggling with his pain and despite the concoction of drugs I was feeding him nothing was really touching his pain , I hated to see him like that and I know he hated to be like that. We visited Mum Christmas day and Boxing Day but Dad even struggled with this as his pain made sitting and walking so difficult . He spent the majority of each day laid on the sofa in the lounge , covered in duvets unable to get warm , the rest of us boiling hot as the heating was on full. We all made the best of it for Rebecca as I didn't want her to remember her last Christmas with her Grandad as an sad time. To say Rebecca is wise beyond her years in some things ,many who know her would say is an understatement, she took everything that was happening in her stride , she knew her Grandad was fading away but she never let us or him  see her upset and she realised that life is a very precious thing, her love and affection with my Mum astounds me , many children her age would find it so difficult , but she just says its her Nanna and she loves her so will do anything she can for her. Mum and Rebecca were so close before her illness - like two peas in a pod , but Rebecca can't remember this which is so sad her only memories are of Nanna having Dementia.
I was relieved to take Dad back to the hospice on Boxing day evening as we had some friends coming over , this sounds awful but I just wanted to pretend that part of my life didn't exist for a couple of hours. I was still hoping the hospice would provide a miracle pain cure but I knew it wasn't going to be the case.
I knew that the new year would bring new challenges for us and the first one we had to deal with was getting Dad home and ensuring his care was suitable to allow him to live safely. I wasn't in the mood for New Year celebrations so the three of us booked a hotel at the coast and just took ourselves away to enjoy some time alone away from the pressures.