After Dad and I had seen the Gp I was numb with shock , I had booked a holiday for the summer as I knew Mum was in good hands and I felt Neil and Rebecca needed that time away with me without the worries of the last few years, could we still go , did we still want to go - pretty trivial really but its amazing what you worry about to stop yourself facing up to the elephant in the room. Dad was adamant we were going on holiday and would not hear of us cancelling. He was suffering with terrible back pain but until we had the results of his CT staging scan nothing could be done. As with any case like this Dad entered the fast track system and over the next few weeks he had a whole range of tests and then an appointment at the CUOP clinic ( cancer unknown origin primary ) . I was lucky that I was allowed time from work to go with him. He was pretty chipper in clinic - there were some pretty frail and weak people in the clinic and there was no getting away from the reality of what was round the corner. The Consultant was again very informative and gave Dad the news that he had a likely lung primary tumour , the primary was tiny but the spread to his spine was extensive , there was also spread to his hip. Dad had ceased smoking forty years earlier so he had been one of the unlucky ones The hammer blow was yet to come though. The bone spread had made his disease terminal ! This would kill him and there was no cure. I can still hear the consultant saying this and my mind starting to swim. I hadn't even given that a thought but it was plainly obvious now he had said it - but I had just never even considered it !!!. Again Dad seemed pretty blasé about it all - had he taken it on board ? Or was he just being brave for my benefit ? I would never really know.
Rebecca was heartbroken when we told her the news - she was so close to her Grandad, they were like two peas in a pod. Again though she just took things on board and carried on with life she made sure she was always on hand for a cuddle with Grandad and they spent lots of time together. She really is a tough little kid and she has seen some horrible things happen to those she loves.
Dad carried on visiting mum daily and spending time with us. He didn't want Mum to know he was ill so we never talked about it in her presence in case she could understand what we were discussing and become upset. Mum's needs were always his top priority, I was struggling though juggling my emotions to the needs of them both. I was cherishing the time we had together with Dad and I planned a special treat for him to a classic car show for Fathers day - I suspected this would be our last Fathers day and I wanted it to be a special day for him. He had been my major support all my life , he had always been the one who told me to reach for the stars and he had always had belief in me. When I had made mistakes - there had a been a few ! He had always been there for me and I wanted him to know just how much I appreciated him and all he had done for me. Through Mum's illness we had been a strong team and I couldn't let that slip now. I had to be strong for them both.
I was worried about treatment options in view of Dad's age ( 82 ) but the consultant said this was no barrier everyone is offered the treatment if they think it will some benefit - age is no limiting factor. The treatment choice was chemotherapy , initially six courses three weeks apart, and some radiotherapy to try and reduce the spinal tumour size and help with pain. Dad was already on morphine to help him with the pain from his spine , but even this was hard to manage. He was so small that if he took enough morphine to reduce the pain it became obvious that he had taken too much and he was quite delusional. Before chemo could start Dad had a biopsy of the tumour in his hip. It was confirmed as a non small cell lung carcinoma. Now the diagnosis was confirmed chemotherapy could could start, this was pencilled in for when we returned from our holiday so that we could support Dad. I knew this would not be pleasant and I wanted to make sure he wasn't alone at home during his treatment. The regime of steroids began in readiness for his treatment and clinic appointment was arranged while I was way to check his bloods and ensure he was ready to begin the treatment regime on my return. Dad was still playing his cards close to his chest - I had briefly discussed chemo with him and he was certain he wanted to give it a go so we were all on the same page. I headed off to France with Neil and Rebecca for some relaxation and family time. I had agreed to phone Dad daily and a couple of his neighbours were keeping an eye on him while I was away.
Neil , Rebecca and I arrived in France and got ready to enjoy some much needed quality family time - recharging our batteries ready for the rounds of treatment.
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